It was good news again today, Amber had an x-ray and consultant appointment. Her hips are still in place and doing great. We are aiming for cast change on the 5th July. Fingers crossed. I’m excited, she won’t smell like an old foot. I know, grim, but she really does. I’m also nervous. Worried moving her from ‘the perfect position’ as the Dr says, might not be as good and could totally end up moving her out of place, the whole putting her to sleep again fills me with dread too. I actually can’t believe were already 6 weeks in, although on the other side I can’t remember her not being in the spica cast. I’m realising now how unknown and unaware people seem to be of Hip Dysplasia. It really does need more acknowledgement. It’s a tough journey and I can hands down say if it wasn’t for Ambers determination and sheer get up and go attitude I would have crumbled with this. Children are amazing.
I miss those legs. I miss bathing her and the soaked bathroom after. I miss not worrying about where to go incase she has nowhere suitable to sit. I miss being able to dress her properly, not in oversized dresses. I miss her sleeping! I miss being able to hold her close for cuddles. I miss watching her playing on the floor with her brothers and chasing them around. I miss her pulling everything out of the drawers. I miss it all. The whole time she does it with a smile, she is an inspiration. She’s my little hero. I know those little legs aren’t gone forever but by God it sure feels like it…
So the week of the 8th May is one I won’t forget in a hurry. Harley had his appointment with a paediatrician for his eating. Well, lack of it & the big weight loss he had. We had waited months for it. Which was ridiculous enough for a child that’s starving himself & when you try get him to eat he has a massive meltdown. It was also Amber’s operation date. I didn’t want to cancel either appointment so I asked Harleys dad to take him whilst we were at the hospital. I was dreading the day ahead. I had no idea how bad it was going to get.
That morning we had to be at the hospital for 8.30am. The boys had stayed at their dad’s because of the early start. I had told him to let me know how Harley had got on. His appointment was 9am. We got to hospital and was given our own room. Spoke to a Dr and sat around anxiously waiting for her to be called down. At 9.30ish she was called down, I nominated her daddy to go with her for anaesthetic. I wasn’t brave enough. I’d watched Harley be put under a few years before and it’s awful. Now it was a waiting game. Pacing the hospital room waiting to hear she was OK. That everything went fine. Time went SO slow. Around 11 I realised I’d still not heard anything about Harley. He should have definitely been done by then. I messaged his dad. Nothing. I messaged again. Still nothing. Amber was done by about 11.30am. We went down to see her in recovery. I heard her before I saw her. Those gut wrenching screams won’t leave me. The sight of her violently shaking won’t either. I just wanted to make her better. We got back up on the ward, she had medicine and went back to sleep. I got a call, Harley’s dad. Social services had took Harley. Wait, what?! Why?! What on earth had happened?! I then got a call from someone who worked within that system. Asking why Harley had a small 10p ,if that, sized bruise on his head. I told them the truth. He had bumped it whilst my husband lifted him off his bed (top bunk) because he was throwing one of his food related tantrums hitting himself off the wall and punching things. Harley had said ‘Dan did it’ but when asked further he told them the exact same events I had. Wasn’t good enough. The boys were to stay with their dad until it was investigated. I was heartbroken & confused. I knew nothing. I was told to wait for a further call…
Amber came round and was like a different child. Happy, like she hadn’t had surgery only a couple of hours beforehand. She amazed me. The nurses said it was normal. The anaethestic can make them groggy and she obviously just needed to sleep it off. I spoke to my husband and we decided I should be the one to go home instead of stay with her the night so I could get the boys sorted. So I went home. I got no phone call. I eventually managed to get hold of a contact number for the social worker involved. Many arguments and hours later. I messaged as it was late. Nothing. That morning I got a text. Saying she would call soon. I waited another few hours. Desperately missing the boys and not being able to go see amber until I sorted this was driving me insane. I was so frustrated. She gave me the basics. I went to see amber because I was getting sick of not being with her, they knew where I was if I was needed. I spent the next few days chasing her down, trying to get answers and updates. Their dad was telling me nothing either. My frustration turned to anger. Why was this happening?! Harley confirmed we hadn’t hurt him. Why couldn’t my boys come home?! I get they have a job to do but they could have absolutely managed it better.
Amber got home the day after surgery. She got a transport ambulance back because we had no transport because our car seat didn’t fit with her cast. She loved it! I was nervous. We pulled up outside and noticed Dan’s (husband) brand new Moped wasn’t there. Someone had stolen it. They say it comes in 3’s don’t they?! The next few days involved a lot of stress. I had to continuously chase up the social worker. I ended up phoning her boss. Who was amazing. She reassured me. Told me it had been a complete misunderstanding. Even a specialist had confirmed it when Harley was given an examination. I told her my worries. Told her how frustrated I was. She apologised. I still couldn’t have the boys home. Even though they had closed the case we still needed to wait for the police to talk to Dan. To hear his side. A whole week later. It was the first time anybody had spoken to him. The officer was lovely though, she knew there was no issue and apologised too. I was questioned why I hadn’t gone to visit the boys at their dad’s. That annoyed me. I wasn’t allowed to leave Dan with his own daughter until it was all completely ended but I couldn’t take Amber out the house because we were waiting on a specialised pram for her. Ridiculous. The police closed the case, which meant so could social services. The boys came home exactly a week later. Amber was so happy to see them. Me & Dan were so happy to see them. Life is now back to the absolute chaos it usually is. Social services are staying to support us with the boys lashing out. Im more than happy with that. You know what annoys me the most though? After all that, Harley never got the help he needed about his eating. We’ve just got a letter giving us another appointment with the same Dr that started all the drama for another 2.5 months away. About the same amount of time we waited for the original one. I find that disgusting. I find that they failed him. I’m less than enthusiastic to see that Dr again. Let’s just hope he gets the help and support needed. Amber is doing great too. Minus the sleeping. Nappy changes are much easier and we finally got a swing yesterday (check out instagram page!) so she can enjoy the sunshine!
Hardest, most emotional roller coaster of a week I’ve ever had. I’m ashamed social services were involved eventhough we did nothing wrong. It’s embarrassing and makes you feel like a terrible parent. Even if you aren’t. I’ve left a few details out, it would be way too long as quite frankly I’m not giving certain people the satisfaction of seeing how they behaved affected me. Now, just a countdown until cast off!
Obviously not for the first time, I love instagram. I thought it would help with my blog posts. For the quick short updates 😊 I’ll link it to the blog page (once I figure out how!). I’ve changed the name too. I really disliked ‘tinyterriortrainer’ it was a quick blog name I made using a generator and wanted a more friendly one. I hope you like the new one! Quite frankly it’s more fitting, my life is definitely a whirlwind of organised chaos as you can probably tell and I’m definitely a ‘mombie’ (Zombie+Mom= Mombie) I know Mom is the American term but ‘Mum’ doesn’t quite work as well & it’s the same thing anyway!
Also I will try fit in a blog update on Amber, the week of surgery, it was a horrendous week and there’s a lot to write. I just haven’t had time yet. I hope you understand.
Today I ashamed to be part of a world that’s so narrow-minded. Today I read a comment that filled me with anger, sadness and just absolute disbelief. That comment said ‘Anybody thats chosen to stay in a violent relationship deserves everything they get’
Firstly the statement within itself shows how uneducated the poster is. It’s not just violence. They take over your mind. They control it. They tell you you’re no good, nobody will ever want you. They tell you they will hurt you, hurt your children if you leave. That you won’t cope. They knock you down until you feel you are nothing, a nobody that needs them to survive. They seclude you from all your friends and family. They don’t want you having that support. To others they will portray a lovely supportive partner that everybody loves. It’s hard. Every case differs, it’s not all black and white. I myself, got out after the violence started. First time. Not everybody can do that. I still allowed myself to be mentally abused for 4 years. For me, personally, the mental abuse was worse but then I didn’t get the year’s of bruises and injuries that you see some victims do. I was lucky. Isn’t that a messed up statement. Nobody should have to even go through it in the first place.
Domestic abuse isn’t just violence. You are a victim if you suffer psycological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional abuse. It affects both men and woman. Don’t ever laugh at a man who opens up to you about this. It’s probably took all his pride to tell you. Woman can be abusers too. It works both ways.
There are 2 million cases roughly each year in the UK. 2 million. That’s only reported cases too I believe. Many suffer quietly. It doesn’t surprise me at all with so many comments like the one I read today.
Well today I wanted to do something fun as a family BUT the beautiful British weather ruined that! Rain, rain & more rain. Typical. I’m probably just worrying but I was looking forward to it, partly because I don’t know when we will next get the chance after Amber’s op and partly for a distraction. Although, I kinda feel ready. Nervous, but ready. I’m not worried about Amber. She’s a fighter, she’ll have bad days but I know she will be okay. Anywayyy.. I decided something Crafty. The boys get SO bored in the house and Zane just wants to play the Xbox 24/7. I looked at the trusty Pinterest for ideas. Never fails. We found clay and marble snails. Super Easy. The boys love snails too! Here’s some photos..
This cost us barely anything and it kept them amused for ages! I cut some bristles off an old bottle brush, used some dried pasta we already had and the modelling clay and marbles were from poundland!
There’s lots of other designs too… we found a dinosaur version too! Pinterest, thank you my dear boredom saver… 😂
Yesterday was Pre-Op day. We also had Amber’s check up for her heart right after. I was nervous. It made it real. When we got there she was called into see the Physician Anesthesiologist (I won’t pretend I’m clever, I Googled ‘guy who puts you to sleep for an operation’ to get the correct terms 🙈) he went through A few questions with us and then we saw a nurse after. Neither of the two could answer my endless list of questions. I’m frustrated. I feel like I’m totally unprepared. It’s probably my anxiety but I feel like everything’s whizzing about and I can’t control a damn bit of it. I want to be able to make life easier for my little girl when she comes home and I can’t because I know nothing. We don’t even know if she will have to stay a night or two or not at all. Annoyed doesn’t even cut it. To top it off too, apparently she doesn’t even have a heart murmur, that’s unofficial though but we will see. I kind of feel like I’ve failed her, I couldn’t carry her properly, she had to come into the world early fighting, now this. A child shouldn’t have to go through all this 😔 I hope I don’t come across as selfish when I say things like that. It doesn’t matter if I’m a failure or not really, I will keep doing my best for her. Always. It’s just how I feel.
Anyway I’ll leave you with a photo of her whilst in the ward because she’s a beaut 😍 that little smiling innocent face has no idea of the tough journey she’s about to face…