Playing on my mind. 

I don’t normally double post about topics. I feel I need too. This platform keeps me sane and I feel like my head is spinning. I’m a member on a popular premature baby page on Facebook.  The page has always scared me. It’s always made me feel that we got off lightly and that I was waiting for us to suffer problems from her being born so early. Bad isn’t it?! I never really saw positive posts there just all the poor children suffering illnesses or issues one after another. I feel like that time has hit us. I also feel like I’m being daft for thinking that. I mean we are still VERY lucky. There are worse problems. Part of me wants to fast forward the next few months to skip this whole hip dysplasia chapter of our lives. I don’t want my baby you go through pain. Who would? A selfish part of me wants it to go fast because honestly, I don’t know how I am going to cope. That makes me feel horrible. I shouldnt be thinking of me, i should be thinking of Amber. This journey scares me. The other part of me wants it to never ever come round. I joined a few support groups for it. The ladies really helped. Told me that the spica cast isn’t as terrifying as it looks (Google it! You’ll see why I find it daunting) but it’s still sending me sick with worry. She can’t have her nightly routine bath, can’t get it wet, can’t move about freely, how is she going to sleep? Don’t even get me started on the whole nappy thing. We will get through it, I know this & it is only going to be a few months of our lives, at least I hope so. I’m not even wanting to think about the possibility it doesn’t work. Especially if she has inherited her dad’s hypermobility too. That will make it incredibly more difficult. I’m scared of doing it by myself too, I mean I won’t, but my husband works a lot.  I’m scared incase I’ll absolutely suck at this, I’m worried her brothers will play me up. What if I can’t cope with them all? I’m also worried of her brothers feeling left out because she’s going to need extra care and attention. I’m going to bore you all with my posts on this. I apologise in advance. 

To top off my anxiety she woke up poorly today. The worst I’ve seen her. Luckily it wasn’t the chest infection I suspected but they said she seems to have a heart murmur. Could be down to her being poorly and we need to go back in a week. 

Can somebody give my baby a break?! 

We have a diagnoses…

This will be a short and sweet post. My head is pounding. I can barely look at my phone 😥 

My little princess has developmental dysplasia of the hip. It’s basically where the ball joint doesn’t sit in the hip properly and dislocates. Well from what I’ve read. The doctor told me to Google it. I know, they usually tell you not too!! It scared me so much so I had to stop. I’m back soon so I will ask questions then. She needs surgery too. I’m terrified, angry and confused. My poor baby. I’m mad it wasn’t spotted when she was born. She had hip scans etc with being premature and her dad having similar problems. I’m scared because nobody wants to see their baby in pain and the cast doesn’t look fun whatsoever. I’m confused with it all… I don’t know what happens really. I also feel guilty for not noticing it myself… I did read some reviews on it though, the positive comments from mums who have been through it helped me a lot.  I suppose time will tell. I will be strong for my daughter no matter what.

Hospital trips AGAIN

So my lack of posts have been due to my daughter being ill & as I’m sure you all would, she’s my first priority. I can only apologise. I always said my boys should have their own special room at the doctors, they were always there with bugs etc so much so that a doctor once questioned me! But they have absolutely nothing on my daughter. I think it’s down to her being a preemie. Doesn’t help that me and her dad were both children with constant medical issues. Usually it’s tonsillitis or ear infections with high temperatures but this time her leg seems to be in pain when moved a certain way. She literally breaks her heart. I took her to our walk in, we were there 4.5hours. She had an x-ray done. I got called back into the doctors room to be told that absolutely nobody in the surgery was qualified to look at a child’s x-ray.  WTF?! We were then sent over to A&E for another 2 hour wait for someone to look at an x-ray.  Don’t get me wrong Amber was loving it, she was getting attention from everyone! Anyway, they found nothing but she’s still in so much pain so I’m taking her back to see a gp. Another week wait. I just hope we get some answers soon! 

Daily challenge #4

I struggled to find the energy for this post today. It’s been a hard day. One of those where it just starts shit & just gets more shit! I’m laying in bed, physically and mentally exhausted but I’ve committed so I’m doing it. I know writing helps too. 

So what frightens me? Rejection. The one thing that scares me more than anything. I think that comes from my background though. It just makes you question everything about yourself. Any one that’s experiencing Rejection, please remember it’s actually not usually anything you’ve done & you are good enough. It’s more about the rejecter. Spiders are another massive fear. Horrible things. I don’t like any kind. From tiny money Spiders to big bird eating ones. Just nope. I’ve mentioned my demon cat before haven’t I? Well..last night the furry little horror decided he would go for the big one on the wall. I thought ‘YES!’ But you know what he then did? He dropped it, right next to me. Like it was a gift. It ran. Right at me. Do you know what’s worse than seeing a spider? LOSING A SPIDER! Safe to say, me & demon cat aren’t on good terms. I’ve actually held a tarantula.  I’ll add the photo. I’m not kidding I was dripping of sweat and freaking out but they are so soft. Weird. 

Anyway that’s about it I think that’s the main ones so I’ll leave it there. 

Goodnight x

Be kind. Always.

Today I was just wasting time on Facebook as you do. Well, I do. ALOT. I came across a tribute to a man who had recently died. I don’t know him personally but he went to my school when I was younger. My stomach turned. Such sad news, his poor family. My thoughts instantly went to his sister. She had just recently lost her young daughter and then her mum. Now her brother. Who, what or why would anyone put one family, one young girl through all that pain?! Even though I only know of this girl and not personally, she inspires me. To still get up everyday & carry on must take incredible strength. I cried for her. Is that silly? It probably is. I just felt so sad for her. I went online and Googled random things. That’s when I came across Pride of Britain.  I nominated her for bravery. Luckily you don’t need address. I also found a local award ceremony, very similar. Also nominated her. I really hope she gets one of them. It just made me think. You don’t ever really know what’s going on behind closed doors, inside people’s heads. I bet you know someone who always has a smile on their face, who will always help when needed. That person is usually the one who is experiencing or has experienced the most pain. Just because someone isn’t vocally or visually expressing their issues doesn’t mean they have none. Do you know someone who has helped you or is always kind? Show them, get them flowers, a thank you card. Even just ask ‘how are you?’. Know someone who has low self confidence? Give them a compliment. These little things will mean the world trust me. Let’s work on building one another & please, always be kind ❤

T x

Daily challenge #3

Evening 😊

I have two favourite quotes. Firstly there’s ‘turn your wounds into wisdom’ this quote means so much to me. I think no matter how much your battered and bruised, physically and/or emotionally, use them and learn from them. Don’t let it drag you down. Easier said than done sometimes I know, but I find it words to live by.

Secondly ‘if your dreams don’t scare you then they aren’t big enough’ I love this quote! I’m sure Walt Disney said this one and who doesn’t love a bit of Disney. It’s true though, if something doesn’t scare you a little or even stir up emotions then it clearly isn’t what you thought it was. Can you imagine if Walt had of given up? Not gone for his dreams because they scared him? I don’t even want to picture a life without Disney! Haha. I truly believe you can achieve anything you want if you work for it.